So today is my final day in Brussels before I return to the UK. This post serves to document the last week and a bit of my time here and I've gotta say it hasn't been the most spectacular ending to my time here but one I will share with you nonetheless.
Our story begins last Tuesday night. Towards the end of the previous week (My Awesome Week) I hit a spot of bother. Having gone out on Friday night for Valentine's Day with BMPH3 I woke up the next day hungover and not feeling particularly well. I was feeling a bit sick, granted that's quite a common thing after a night out for anyone, but throughout the day I had persistent pins and needles in my left hand which prompted me to see a Doctor who then subsequently told me there was nothing wrong. I was slightly pleased by what the Doctor had to say yet I couldn't help worrying about it even once the pins and needles had left my hand the next day. I started feeling chest pains and breathing became slightly difficult.
That brings me to Tuesday night. I'd actually been feeling much better on Tuesday and the chest pains were much more infrequent so I took this as a signal that I was fine again. After doing my daily exercises and having a shower, I got into bed to spend the rest of the evening doing various stuff on my laptop when all of a sudden something didn't feel right. My heart started beating really fast and it felt as if someone was pressing down on my chest. The pins and needles returned except this time they were all over my body and various muscles suddenly cramped up. "Shit, I'm having a heart attack" I thought to myself. I have never felt more scared in my entire life. Somehow I found the ability to run downstairs before Renaud sought medical help. I was taken to hospital and given some medication which relaxed my muscles and heart back to normal. It turns out that what I'd just experienced was my very first panic attack.
In the days that followed I understandably took things easy but I couldn't help worrying about what had happened. I entered a phase of general anxiety. The chest pains returned, I became easily startled by things, I became tired out by the most minimal of physical exertions. It all just felt so alien to me. I always pride myself on rarely being ill or having any serious injuries so to be dealing with this kind of illness, a mental illness of all things, was a real shock to me. It also appeared I was low on magnesium which is potentially what caused the pins and needles in the first place so I've been drinking lots of mineral water ever since my panic attack.
It's safe to say that this was one of the lowest points in my gap year and I just felt so weak and defenseless, afraid of when my next panic attack was to come. It is actually my Gap Year mentality that has saved me from further suffering. I decided I couldn't go on living in such a sedentary way especially not when I'm supposed to be having one of the best years of my life and trying out lots of new things. I did my research on general anxiety and found that the best way to break the cycle was to continue life as normally as possible. I watched videos on youtube from people who had suffered from Anxiety and Panic disorder which I found really reassuring. The best one by far was a video by the well known Youtuber Zoella/Zoe Sugg who in her videos talks about her experience of panic disorder and what she did to cure herself. The link is here if you want to give it a watch: ://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-iNOFD27G4&list=LLvl7smKUqRI6I6F-0_RmPng&feature=c4-overview . I found that I had to suppress my feelings, stay hydrated and put on a brave face. Panic Attacks are nothing more than heightened security actions in your body that are all created by your mind. I have found that by fronting up and saying 'Bring It On' to your nervous system is the best way to ward of those feelings of insecurity.
Over these last few days I've used this tough state of mind to ward off my fear and I feel completely normal once again. Free from constraint and it feels great to be back to the way things were.
I hate to sound like a preacher or that I'm being overly dramatic but this incident has really opened my eyes. Until now I associated mental illness with depression and PTSD-things that happen to people through a series of shocking or unfortunate events. I didn't think it was something that could just happen to ordinary people. I may have fought it off for now at least but I can really understand how mental illness is something people struggle to cope with. It is for this reason that for my next charity event, be it during this year or in the following years, I will do fundraising for MIND, the mental health charity.
Well now I've made you somewhat depressed, I will now hopefully lift your spirits up as I tell you about my final weekend. Due to obvious reasons I didn't do a great deal on Friday or Saturday apart from watching the 6 Nations (England's narrow win over Ireland certainly got my heart pumping again!). On the Sunday however, I found the determination and decided to go on my final BMPH3 Hash Run to prove to my body and myself that I was perfectly fine. The run was Estonian themed to celebrate the country's anniversary of independence (or something along those lines) so I dressed in my finest White, Blue and Black-the colours of Estonia. The run took place in the foret de Soignes like many of the runs I've been on with BMPH3 and I must say it was by far the most comfortable I'd felt running since I'd arrived in January. The customary circle capped off the day and I had a last chat with everyone who I've gotten to know over the past two months. I've really enjoyed running with BMPH3. Despite my relative youth in comparison with much of the group, I have found them to be an excellent bunch of people who I wouldn't mind visiting again in the future.
Okay I better leave it there for now. I leave for Brussels Gare du Midi in about 15 minutes so I better do my last minute bits of preparations. Photos will be up on this post soon once I get home.
FP
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